Tough topics are tough topics. They’re difficult to bring up because, well, let’s be honest, they’re not fun. It’s like handing a porcupine to someone: it can sting from every angle.
If handing a porcupine to someone is optional in life, unless you’re a porcupine hunter (which I’ve never heard of), you’re not going to do it. Tough topics are the exact opposite. They’re often mandatory. It doesn’t matter if you’re the leader and need to address it with your staff or if you need to talk about it with your direct report. It will never be totally easy.
These kinds of conversations are often confrontational or controversial by nature. Some people like confrontation, but most people actually would rather stay away from it, which is why you are reading this article!
The early church had one of those tough topics they needed to tackle. They called it the Jerusalem Council. You can read it in Acts 15. The church needed to draw a line for the Gentile Christians, they wanted to define and determine if they had to follow the law of Moses.
It may not be a tough subject for us today but back then, that was a porcupine! It even mentions that Paul and Barnabas “disagreed with them, arguing vehemently” (Acts 15:1 NLT).
Maybe you prefer other translations’ words: “no small dissension (ESV)”, “heated argument (NASB)”, and “fierce protest (MSG)”. Every which way you look at it, there was confrontation, disagreements, and some heated people!
There are a few lessons to learn on how to bring up tough topics from this text, which I recommend you read before you continue this article.
Pray About It
If you’ve read any of the articles I’ve written, this point won’t surprise you: pray about it. It is surprising how many pastors and Christian organization leaders read the needed books on the cactus topic, talk to all the leaders they know on how to address it…but don’t pray about it. I am convinced it is not your case, but praying should be your number one response in every situation.
Be Upfront
Be upfront about it, whatever “it” may be. It may make you a little uncomfortable, to be frank, open, and proactive with it.
Do It Regularly
The best way to bring tough topics to your church leadership is to have regular moments where you can bring them up! This almost sounds counterintuitive, but it’s really quite the opposite. When you get used to chatting about tough subjects, it becomes more natural and much easier. Those “tough topics convos” can actually be planned in the annual calendar, and you can allow any team member to propose a topic to be addressed. Remove the limits. “It” can be anything.
Talk to a Mentor
Before addressing it, talk to a mentor. It’s even better if the person has experience with that specific issue. They may be a fellowship leader, another pastor, or a leader in your field of work. Whatever the situation is, someone else probably faced it before you. They gained experience, insight, and perspective from it. Tap a shoulder and don’t hesitate to make a connection.
Use Clarity
Clarity is of the essence when it’s time to address it. Basically, you need to determine the issue that needs to be discussed. It is very easy to use the melting pot method. You know, you bring many smaller topics into the mix and have one bigger issue you desire to tackle. When dealing with tough topics, stick to the one subject which should be talked about. Many people, in their desire to avoid conflict and be peacekeepers instead of peacemakers, will avoid getting to the heart of it. As a leader of people or leader of yourself, you owe it to each participant to determine the real issue you want to discuss.
Know Your Goal
I am sure you have had to initiate a conversation that was not easy before. Maybe it covered a tough topic or a conflict that needed to be resolved. Depending on your personality, you may approach it directly (“I’ve got to settle this”) or more passively (“I’ll see what happens”), or anywhere in between the two. Wherever you stand on that continuum, it is best to bring the tough topic conversation with an end goal in mind. In other words, you have to know the answer to the question: “What do I want to get out of this?”.
And that “what” is of great importance. Are you looking for an open conversation or a resolution to the conflict? Do you desire to create a think tank where people voice their opinion and thoughts? Maybe you’re trying to get people to gain a different perspective on a specific hot topic or you’re trying to take a stance on a new topic. The “what” makes a big difference!
Create a Safe Environment
Create a safe environment where people know they will be heard. It certainly doesn’t mean you will agree, but it does mean that you will be able to communicate and explain your position. One way to do this is to allow people to bring opposing positions, which happens in Acts 15. People were allowed to defend and propose different options. Of course, this may result in some “heated arguments,” as the NASB states it. Being heard is important.
This allows for disagreements in the pursuit of a solution, answer, or resolution. If you’re the boss, give leeway to your employee to digest the pill they need to swallow and be humble enough to admit the solution may not be perfect. If you’re the employee, remember the pressure your direct report needs to endure for everyone to find some solace in dealing with the porcupine!
Listen Well
Honestly, the best policy to bring tough topics up is to listen more than you talk. I did mention that room for discussions and disagreement should be present. I believe that if you listen more, you’ll gain more perspective, more options, and hear what others would not hear.
If you listen longer than everybody else, you may just hear what others are really willing to communicate. In your need to speak quickly, you listen slowly. In your quickness to listen, you will hear more than everybody else.
Be Honest
Be honest with the people you will be having a tough conversation with. If you’re a team member, you can ask for a meeting and clearly mention what you need to talk about. If you’re the direct report, do the same! Please refrain from the temptation of offering a lack of clarity and sugar-coated messages. Honesty is always the best policy. Every truth can and should be said. You may need to dress it well before you say it, but still say it.
Limit the Time
As you limit the time requirement, you will be able to bring tough topics to the table. “Do you have 30 minutes to discuss XYZ” gets an easier yes than “We need to talk about XYZ.”
Having read all this, you still know that handling a porcupine is, well, handling a porcupine. Not easy, but still doable. While no one enjoys hard conversations, they can be highly beneficial to the church’s overall health. Before your next conversation, put some of these tips (if not all) into practice and note how it changes the effectiveness of the conversation.
